SALITAAN: Playing with the Written Word

A More Positive Flashback

2011-03-23T02:25:00.000+08:00

DECIDED
(Jan. 7, 2002)

North, South
Left, Right
No clear path to take.
Go back
Move forward,
this surely is not a piece of cake!

Weird, normal
Plain, outrageous
Still not clear to me.
Stick it out...
or follow my heart?!
This really is driving me crazy!

Now, later
Today, tomorrow
Is it time to decide?
I guess, maybe
I think, I must
Before my ink runs dry...

Dreams, passions
Not plans nor conventions,
Are those that I should pursue.
Act now, go ahead...
Yes, that's what I ought to do!!!

In the Dark Recesses of the Mind

2011-03-23T02:19:00.001+08:00

All of these poems were written in the 1990s...

REVERIE

Awake.
Conscious...
and very much aware.
The trees fall and houses crash.
Every land, every terrain devastated.
Destruction.

Alive.
Determined...
and very, very certain.
The bodies fall and blood sheds.
Every life, every breath cut short.
Death.

Alarmed.
Frightened...
and totally shaken.
The gunshots and bombshells.
Every one, every living not spared.
Doom.

ANGST

Unspoken hurt
no words can define
deep-seated, unfathomable
Negating emotion
void of positive feeling
unreasonable, distasteful
Stinking pain
filled with twisted morale
filty, rotten
That rids the mind of sensible thinking
prevents the heart from trusting
and eventually eats the soul
and destroys the entirety of our being.

FINALMENTE

I am afraid of you.
Frightened by the kind of friendship you offer.
Unsure and doubtful of the truth you so insist.
Appalled by what I now see.
Afraid to even look at your face,
and the person you turned out to be.
Terrified, even horrified by your indescribable,
inconceivable being.
I wish I don't have to be near you,
not to have anything to do with you.
I want to stop here when fright
is the only thing separating us...
I would rather not get to the point of hating
or abhorring you.
Goodbye.

BROTHERS OF WAR
(Feb 17, 1999)

War zone, freak show
Futile thoughts of immature men
Their sense of brotherhood threatening peace
Their sense of manhood threatening life.

War zone, freak show
Hospital bed to one's death bed
A life as an invalid about to begin
A life which has yet to be lived is ending.

War zone, freak show
No one wins, yet lives are lost
No one gains, yet all is lost
And no one stops at whatever cost.

BECOMING, YET NOT
(Jan. 8, 1999)

Nothingness reeks through my very being
Numbness seeping through my stilled blood
Coldness grips and bores through my unfeeling heart
And my soul --
resigning, withdrawing
from this world of lifelessness.

SUCH NOTHINGS
(Oct. 23, 1998)

What irony to love someone
more than you love yourself
and gain NOTHING.
To lose yourself to him,
let your world revolve around him
and end up with NOTHING.

The same way you would fight for a cause
To lose yourself and be willing
to risk everything for the cause
and find out all your efforts had been for NOTHING.

The same way you would live your entire life
To lose yourself in the so-called certainty of life
and realize, too late, that life is uncertain,
and had only left you with NOTHING.

But the Irony lies basically on how you deal with yourself.
In overdoing things that thrive on balance
Everything you overdid and ever did becomes NOTHING.

Para sa Bayan

2009-10-13T15:06:00.000+08:00

Mga Sulat at Hinaing

Masakit ang aking ulo
Gumuguhit ang kirot
Utak ko’y nagdurugo
Isipa’y pumapalaot

Naninikip ang aking dibdib
Kinakapos ng hangin
Baga’y namimilipit
Kumakawala ang damdamin

Pinupulikat ang aking kamay
Nanlalamig at naninigas
Patuloy na nangangalay
Mga salita’y di mabakas

Nagdurugo ang aking isipan
Sa napakaraming dapat pag-usapan
Binabagabag ng katotohanang
Napakagulo na ng ating bayan

Pag-asa at Pagbabago

Gusto kong baguhin ang mundo
Kahit ayaw ng mundong magbago
Gusto kong baguhin ang tao
Kahit matigas ang kanyang ulo

Gusto kong bigyan ng kabuluhan
Ang walang saysay na katotohanan
Gusto kong bigyan ng katotohanan
Ang kasaysayang nawalan nang kabuluhan

Gusto kong baguhin ang pulitika
Upang magkaroon ng tunay na demokrasya
Gusto kong baguhin ang demokrasya
Upang magpakatotoo ang pulitika

Gusto kong bigyan ng pag-asa
Ang bayang wala nang sigla
Gusto kong bigyang sigla
Ang bayang wala nang pag-asa

Kumusta

Kumusta?
Mabuti. Mabuti nga ba? Bakit ka mabuti?
Mabuting buhay, mabuting di talaga mabuti?
Kailan ba talaga mabuti ang di naman mawari kung ano talaga?

Kumusta?
Kumusta na ang Pilipinas, ang Pilipino,
Ang ako na Pilipino na narito sa Pilipinas na bayan ko?

Kung ako bilang ako sa panahong ito ay tila mabuting-mabuti
At nakatanghod sa magandang hinaharap na parating at sa aki’y magbibigay ng inspirasyon, ligaya at pagkakuntento.

Pero lagi na’y binabagabag ako ng tanong na kumusta naman ang Pilipinas, ang bayan ko, na sa ngayo’y lalong naghihirap at nangungulila sa mga anak na nangibambansa at tila nakalimot, mga taong narito nga pero parang wala dahil ni hindi alam kung paano matutulungan ang kanilang mga sarili at lalo pa ang kanilang bayan.

Kumusta?
Ang mga bayaning nagpapakamatay at nagpapakamartir?
Wala na ba talaga?
Kahit ang mga sinasabing simpleng bayani, nalunod na ba sa presyo ng gasolina at buwis, natabunan na ba ng gabundok na basura, nahilo na ba sa kung anu-anong teknolohiya at tuluyan na bang nabaog ang mga sinapupunang magluluwal sa kanila?

Kumusta na nga ba?
Kailan ba matitikman ng Pilipinas ang tunay na pagmamahal, pag-aaruga at kalinga?
Malapit na ba o suntok sa buwan ang umasa?

Kumusta? Kumusta.
Ako ay hindi pa rin naman nawawalan ng pag-asa.
Malay natin konting panahon at pagtitiis na lamang at tayo rin ay giginhawa.
Para sa ating kalikasan, sa ating kakayahan, kagalingan at lalo na sa kabataan.

Kumusta naman.
Ang aking sariling problema’y napakaliit kung titingnan ang sandamakmak na problema at hinaing ng bayan.

O, Inang Bayan

2009-10-13T15:04:00.002+08:00

O, aking Ina
Bayang kumalinga
Ano’t ikaw ay nagdurusa?
Ang iyong katawan tila nagkulay uling,
ang iyong luha’y nangingitim,
at maging iyong hininga’y abuhin;
Sa paglaon pa ng mga panahon,
mukha mo Ina ay tila
patuloy sa pagdusing.

O, aking Ina
Bayang kumalinga
Ano’t ika’y tumatangis?
Ang iyong mga supling ay walang makain,
natutulog nang gising,
at ang iba’y kapit na sa patalim;
Sa paglaon pa ng mga panahon,
puso mo’y di nila iindahin.

O, aking Ina
Bayang kumalinga
Ano’t di ka pa nagsasawa?
Ang pag-asa tila sa iyo’y di nawawala,
Ang kalinisan ng iyong mukha,
Ang kaligayahan ng iyong puso
ay patuloy mong nagugunita;
Sa hinaharap patuloy kang nananalig
at nagtitiwala…

Kaya’t sa paglaon Ina
Ako ang iyong kasama,
hindi rin magsasawang sa iyo
ay magmahal at mag-aruga;
Sa paglaon Ina
Ang pangarap na inaasam
ay ating makakamtan,
at kinabukasang walang kasingganda
ay atin ring matatamasa!

Ang Pasahero

2009-10-13T15:02:00.001+08:00

Nakasakay sa jeep para sa isa na namang
mausok,
maalinsangan, at
masikip na biyahe.
Sari-saring amoy ang malalanghap mula sa
katabi,
tsuper,
makina at kalye.
Nariyan ang
mabahong hininga,
maasim na pawis, at
masangsang na kili-kili.
Gayundin ang usok ng sigarilyong
nanunuot sa ilong at
napudpod na goma ng pinaiyak na gulong.
Dagdag pa ang
tumatagas na langis at
gasolinang nakakahilo at
masakit sa ulo lalo pa kung maaalala ang
patuloy na pagtaas ng presyo nito.
Nakakasuka ang alingasaw ng basura
sa bawat kanto,
sa bawat gilid,
sa bawat sulok at kung minsan pa
nakabalandra sa kahabaan ng binabagtas na kalsada.
Hindi lamang ito masakit sa ilong kundi lalo pa sa mata
at higit na nakakabugnot isipin na ang
kagandahan ng kalikasa’y
pinababayaan nating mabulok
tulad ng basurang ngayo’y nakapaligid sa atin.
Naglalaro naman sa tabi ng kalye ang mga batang
nanlilimahid,
nanggigitata at
napakarungis
nakikipagpatintero sa ilalim ng tulay na tawiran
kagaya ng matitigas ang ulo na mga mama’t ale.
Nagmamadaling tumawid patungo sa palengkeng
masukal at
maputik
kung saan inilalako at ibinibenta ang mga
nakabuyangyang na mga gulay, isda at karne.

Inaakit ang mga
langaw,
lamok,
at sari-saring peste na
sanhi ng sanlibong sakit na nakukuha
sa ganitong mga lugar na di mawari kung
imbakan ng pagkain o
tambakan ng dumi.
Pansamantalang maaalimpungatan at
ibabalik sa loob ng sinakyang jeep ang isipan
upang ibayad ang perang husto na sanang pampananghalian.
Kapalit na kagutuman sa pamasaheng inilaan
tinitiis at
kinakaligtaan
makarating lamang sa paroroonan.
Perang papel at barya na may bahid pa ng pinagmulang
bulsa,
pitaka,
kamay,
tindera at tindahan na
pare-parehong hinihiling na ito sa kanila’y makabalik o
may mas malaking halagang kapalit.
At sa pagdating nga sa pondohang bababaan,
ang libo-libong amoy at
pangitain ng tumitinding kahirapan
pupunasin ng isang pirasong tisyu at ang
maitim,
naninikit, at
makapal na dumi
panandaliang kakalimutan at iwawaksi
upang haraping muli sa biyahe pauwi.

One Woman's Cycle of Love

2009-10-13T14:58:00.000+08:00

Unfinished

The morning comes

Too soon for me

Too soon for love

For loving thee;

The evening waits

Too long for thee

Too long for love

For loving me.

Background Love

Get out of the dark,

Come out and don’t hide;

Tell me straight what you want,

Let me know what you feel.

Get me out of these blues,

Lead me away from my fears;

Tell me that you care and

You’ll love me all the way.

Get us out of this mess,

Take away all these tears;

Love me instead with all your heart

And step out from the background.

Tender Loving

Come to me my tender love,

Bring endless joy to my lonely heart;

Look at me with your brooding eyes,

Show me things I want to see;

Speak to me with your soothing voice,

Whisper things I long to hear;

Touch me dear with your loving hands,

Express to me the way you really feel;

Embrace me with your strong arms,

Let me feel protected and secure;

And, kiss me with those soft lips of yours

My tender love, to you I come!

Why, My Love?

Why do I feel like we’re meant for each other, when you have her?

Why do I feel like I’ve lost you,

when I never had you?

Why do I feel like we still have a future, when we didn’t have a past?

Why do I miss your wonderful face,

when it is hers to wonder at?

Why do I long to see those piercing eyes, when it is her they long to see?

Why do I miss your strong, lean body,

when every inch of it will not be missing me?

Why does it hurt to see you together,

when you don’t even care?

Why am I miserable and lonely,

when you are content and happy?

Why can’t I stop thinking of you,

when you can’t stop thinking of her?

And why do I even love you still,

when love is what you have for her?

Solitude

Alone

Here, listless

Wondering about

The outcome

That seems far beyond my control.

By myself

Listening, not hearing

Even the pulse

Nor the beating

Of my own torn and shattered heart.

Lonely

Seeking, waiting

Yet patience

Never was my virtue

And life now seems so endless.

In the Rut

Rotten stench, freakin’ ditch

Damn old bastard, fuckin’ bitch

Left me cold in here to rot

Buried me deep in this rut;

Worms eat away, love every bite

Take all you want, it’s alright

Got no fight in me no more

Just let me fester like some old whore;

For when I should cease to stink

This I believe, yes this I think

The bitchin’ days, and damnin’ pains

Will all be gone…no remains.

Alas

My heart that yearns for you

Leapt with joy when finally you appeared

From the ghost of some woman

who had taken you far from me;

My love that burns for you

Flickered with hope when you walked in

From that hidden place

which kept me from finding you;

My life that revolves around you

Began anew when at last you came

From the shadows of a not so distant past

when you had somehow forgotten me.

Déjà vu

Time keeps turning, turning back

To that all too familiar place,

Searching for that once familiar face,

Longing for those not so forgotten days.

The past comes crawling, crawling back

For those who have yet to move on,

Trying so hard to hold on,

Wishing they’d never feel so alone.

Hearts are pounding, pounding still

As yesterday becomes today,

Fumbling for things to say,

Willing the moment to stay…

And watching it all fade, fade away.

Closure

And this really is Goodbye…

It is what I feel or do not feel,

But it is what is.

This is a time when feelings are just emotions, nothing more, maybe nothing less…who cares?

And we say Love Is Enough…

It is not what I need

or what I do not need,

But it is what you cannot give.

Perhaps you had, or had wanted to because I know I have…then, not now, not anymore.

And Moments do Pass us By…

It is not what we would’ve wanted

to happen,

But then, that’s what happened.

There must have been a chance or so for us yet we must have been too scared to take the chance, and now is too late.

Because now is the time for Me…

To move on and leave the past behind,

To forget and look forward;

For then and only then can I begin to get back to my life,

Get in touch with myself and what I need,

To live the way I should have and not they way we could have.

In the Stillness of My Life

So still...

Only memories,

Photographs of the distant past

Only figments,

Visions of a forgotten time

Only phantoms,

Ghosts of lost friends and lovers.

So still…

No movement,

No going back,

No looking forward.

So still…

Yet not altogether dead

Nor seemingly lifeless,

Just…still.

Living a HUMAN life! Being Human!

2009-06-30T18:22:00.009+08:00

Busy.

Hectic.

Walang oras.

Bakit ganito lagi ang sagot natin?

Poor.

Kapos.

Walang pera.

Bakit pareho?

Pagod.

Stressed.

Walang energy.

Nagtataka ka na rin ba?

What has happened to LIVING?

Ganito nga ba ang mabuhay?

Parang hindi sa atin ang buhay natin.

Para tayong puppets na pinagagalaw ng iba.

Ng Boss, Ng Traffic, Ng Pera, Ng Obligasyon sa Anak,

Pamilya, Trabaho, Bayan.

Shouldn't we be able to choose how we live?

Bakit hindi?

Minsan ka na nga lang mabuhay,

hindi mo pa magagawa ang gusto mong gawin?

Eh di mabuti na lang na di ka nabuhay?

Bakit pa tayo nabuhay sa mundong ito?

Para magpaalipin, maghirap,

magkumahog at manikluhod sa iba?

Hindi ah! No way!

Mahirap? Definitely.

Pero pagkatapos ko bang sabihin na mahirap titigil na ako?

Syempre hindi rin. Kailangan kong gumawa ng paraan.

Kailangan kong baguhin ang ganitong buhay!

Paano? Eh di sisimulan ko sa pagbabago ng isip ko.

HINDI NA AKO MANINIWALANG

NASA KAMAY NG IBA ANG BUHAY KO.

Wala sa pamilya ko. Wala sa mga kaibigan ko.

Wala sa boss. Wala sa organisasyon.

Wala sa simbahan. Wala sa mga kamag-anak.

Wala sa may pera. Wala sa gobyerno.

Wala sa kaninuman.

NASA AKIN.

Ngayong bago na ang isip ko,

ibubukas ko ang sarili at buhay ko

sa kung saan magandang pumunta.

Saan ko nararamdaman at naiisip na pumunta.

I will choose where to go. And what to do with my life.

I will go where I feel MOVED to go. MOVED to ACT.

Moved by my higher self. By the Universe.

By Providence. By God. By the Supreme Being.

By the I AM.

I will MOVE according to my PASSION.

According to what I love to do. Moved to act with Love.

Resign. Leave. Choose differently.

Go back to our childhood wishes and dreams. Face our fears!

Mabubulok at mabubulok ka sa

isang gawaing hindi mo gustong gawin.

Mananatili kang nakatili sa sitwasyong

pinipilit mo ang sarili mong manatili at gustuhin.

Walang mali, walang masama,

walang nagsasabi na hindi tama ang ginagawa mo.

Ang tanong lang naman gusto mo ba ang napili mong gawin?

O pinili mo ba ang gusto mong gawin?

Sagutin mo lang na simple at totoo.

With an open and honest heart.

Then...CHOOSE. MOVE. ACT.

February 13, 2007 -- liquid chaos

2008-10-21T17:04:00.000+08:00

UNSTABLE. CHAOTIC. WALANG KASINGGULO.

My mind, heart and being is in such a mess at this very moment.

I am in the past, present and future all at the same time.

I am melted thoughts and feelings rolled into a ball of wax.

A disfiguration of my original self.

A conglomeration of all the different experiences, encounters and personalities.

A vortex and a black hole.

Pain is numbness and happiness is a farfetched illusion waiting in the wings of a newborn eagle.

My senses being pulled and pushed from places I cannot fathom, an unreachable darkness, a palette of mixed colors that lost each of their distinct hues.

Thinking is non-stop but not a single thought comes to mind.

Feeling...but not. The world is a whirlwind of faces and a sea of words.

Voices be still.

I hear but cannot understand, deaf to my own true inner voice.

Muffled through a wall of opinions, ideas, guilt, expectations, frustrations --thick enough but porous like a sponge that cannot even hold oil.

LOST.

In a forest of delusions, covered by a canopy of confusion.

A river of water racing towards a great fall, cascading downwards like tears rushing to purge pent-up emotions.

Restless.

Insecure.

A child without the security of that first pillow, blanket or toy.

Missing the warmth of a mother's or father's embrace on a dark, cold, stormy night.

Emptiness is a dream, a goal to be reached, sweeter than pure, white crystalline sugar.

I long to be empty than be filled with all these chaotic thoughts like lines, shapes and colors that cannot meet but continue to merge.

A vision behind the thickest lens of plastic eyeglasses.

As clear as the eye of the storm.

My head aches.

Pounding and throbbing.

My heart aches more for the thoughts and emotions that cannot leave me be.

Spiraling up and down, back and forth, sinking and surfacing into a pool of vomit.

Feverish and nauseated by never-ending impulses that pushes my pen to write these words, to express, to vent out.

UNSTABLE AND CHAOTIC. MASALIMUOT. INSIDE AND OUTSIDE.

A MESS.

ME.